


Mr and Mrs and Mr Matthews

by Fargosis



Category: Hannibal (TV), Hannibal Lecter Series - All Media Types, Hannibal Lecter Tetralogy - Thomas Harris
Genre: Chilton is Chilton no holds barred, Comedy, Crossdressing, Dark Comedy, Domestic Violence, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Humor, M/M, Other, You harris fans know what that means
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 11:39:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12652824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fargosis/pseuds/Fargosis
Summary: After flunking a semester at....whatever college Nurse Barney Matthews attends....he finds that he cannot afford the school due to the sharp decrease in his financial aid and scholarships. And so a plan is devised, as Chilton has had many a student from the school work under him as interns and what not at the BSHCI, he is sure that a good word from him could improve Barney's standing with the university. There's one catch though, the school expects to discuss such financial issues with the mother and father of Barney Matthews. Chilton is fine pretending to be a dad for a day, but if only they knew an eccentric enough cannibal as to be willing to dawn a dress for his favorite nurse for the day...





	Mr and Mrs and Mr Matthews

Chilton sat in the small stiff lobby chair looking over the false paperwork and thinking over the strange predicament he had wrangled himself into. The BSHCI had connections with several different colleges in the area, nursing and psychiatric students would come, do some work for Dr. Chilton, and get paid unfairly cheap with the presumption the ‘experience’ would more than make up for it. While the bad doctor didn’t necessarily care whether or not the students got anything out of it, he would be lying if he hadn’t found some damn good nurses through the system. Specifically, he had been graced Barney Matthews. Now THERE was a manly nurse, only a student and still wrangling the loons that cursed some of the seasoned professionals with wet sheets and sleepless nights. If Chilton was ever in a fight, he knew who he wanted in his corner. Now, as good as Barney was at his job, it was still by no means an easy job, and this had lead to a decrease recently in the work Barney had been turning out on campus, and as such his financial aid for the semester had been cut sharply. Without the financial aid to keep him afloat for the rest of the school year he would certainly need to replace his hours at the hospital with a more...economic job, and for very obvious reasons Chilton simply COULD NOT have this. He just didn’t know how he had gotten on before without the little...big guy! Barney hadn’t been thrilled either, Chilton had offered him a stable position post-graduation if Barney agreed to keep mum about some of the less…entry level....jobs Chilton had been assigning him. And so, Chilton had gladly agreed to speak to financial services on campus for Barney, the school did have a long standing agreement with the hospital after all, and Chilton was sure his name could pull SOME weight. Although….perhaps he hadn’t quite expected what Barney had in mind.

The lobby was dull and grey, with a TV in the corner playing a clip advertising all the great qualities of the campus on a loop, although a woman had just waltzed in and was giving Chilton quite the view as she shuffled through the available magazines. Sure, Chilton tended to prefer the slimmer and younger but he took his free entertainment when he could, and her pencil skirt dress greatly complimented her round succulent rump. He couldn’t help but lean in to try and catch a better view--

“--You know Fredrick if this is how you treat all women I wouldn’t count on putting that ‘extra ticket’ to use anytime soon,”  

“GAH! And YOU should know that if you really cared about ‘politeness’ or whatever the fuck so much you'd warn others before flashing those monstrous gaus of yours-- _ Mr Lecter _ ”

“Oh come now  _ Freddy  _ and here I thought we were past the point of polite formalities, after all we’ve been married for how many years now angel cake? And besides dearest, even with my license revoked you’re still not half as qualified as I am to carry any sort of title pertaining to academic achievement” Hannibal’s pasted red lips pulled back into a sinister devil grin as he--she?--he sat down in the chair next to Chilton, church hat flopping as he did so.

Chilton rolled his eyes before uncontrollably looking Hannibal, who was absorbed by some outdated issue of Natural Geographic, up and down, he had to hand it to the good doctor, he had certainly committed to the role. 

“So--I just have to ask, how much did you have to stuff that dress to imitate such birthly hips? Or have the hospital’s frozen dinners more nourishing than you and your attorney claim?” Hannibal dropped the magazine and scowled at Chilton, face flushed in embarrassment and anger, before he quickly recollected his composure, pinching Chilton’s cheek with his well manicured matching red nails. 

“Oh Freddy, Barney will be here any moment and you know how much I hate to fight in front of the boy--its simply not good for him you know---and here I thought after all our happily married years we’d be over such petty jabs--”

“And just where were those keen motherly intuitions when our son’s grades started slip--” Chilton was cut off by a quick elbow to the gut on behalf of Hannibal as he spotted Barney walk in from the hall.

“Oh! My precious baby Barn-a-bear! Look at how big and handsome you’ve gotten! Oohoho come here mommy’s missed you!” Hannibal called as he ran towards Barney, trying to hug the man before being pushed away

“Hannibal what the fuck are you doing?” Barney whispered harshly in Hannibal’s ear, trying his best to detour the cannibal without making a scene in front of the receptionist.

“I’m  _ TRYING  _ to sell that I’m your mother,” Hannibal whispered back “So just go along with it if you want this to work!” Barney rolled his eyes and let Hannibal eagerly squeeze the nerd.  Chilton rolled his eyes in disgust. Once Hannibal let Barney go he sat between the two men awaiting for the secretary to let them in.

“OHho! I;m so excited to hear about how well my little Barn-a-bee has been doing! We’re just so proud--right deary?”

“Oh please,” Chilton scoffed “We all know why we’re here,” He said, giving Barney the stick eye. Barney looked at his feet

“--Because it was apparently too much trouble for SOMEONE to pay a real nurse to work the graveyard shift! It’s a wonder the boy--I mean er, our boy gets any sleep at all with the way you have him hustling at all hours!” Hannibal retorted with a highty ‘hmph!’

“Boy!? Boy!? Ain’t that just like a woman you sit around on your fat ass all day--leaving us men to do all the work, cooking your meals and cleaning your messes, putting food on the table! And all for what!? So you can walk all over some poor sap’s pride and call him a boy!?”

“Well he’s certainly more of a man than you’ve ever been” Hannibal’s voice lowered to its natural tempo, allowing his character to crack. Chilton seethed in rage.

Barney groaned and laid his head in his hands, “Can we please not make this any more difficult than it needs to be?”

“Mr and Mrs Matthews?” It took a moment for Hannibal and Chilton to realize they were being addressed before turning their attention to the secretary. “Jones is ready to see you now”

 

Jones had been through this dog and pony show a hundred times before, Mr. Matthews was a fairly standard case. Some poor student takes a drop in their grades and the parents throw a fit when their scholarships and financial aid fall with it. This was setting up to be a fairly short and simple meeting.

“Good afternoon Mr and Mrs Barney thank you for coming in to meet me today--” Mr. Barney Matthews stood out next to his parents like a black sheep in a herd of white ones, quite literally.

“Um...You are the legal parents of Mr. Barney Matthews here right?” Jones asked, raising an eye at the slim man and stout woman.

Hannibal grinned awkwardly “Oh yes! We’ve loved and cared so much for our dear Barney ever since we adopt--”

“My wife had an affair” Chilton chimed in quickly, Jones choked on his coffee and nearly sprayed the family.

**_“E-Excuse me!?”_ ** He demanded. Hannibal snapped his head in Chilton’s directions, starring ice cold through his oversized empty head. Chilton folded his hands and grinned a grinch of a grin.

“My wife had an affair.” Chilton’s voice oozed with slime “She met a charming young african american with a big black cock and let him fuck her roast beef and fondle her soft warm bosom in a way I haven’t been allowed in  **_YEARS”_ ** Hannibal’s face was as red as his lipstick, Barney’s face was in his hands and Mr. Jones looked like he was going to be sick.

“Oh yes, it was about lets see...20 so years ago? I’m sure to you it feels like it was eons ago” Chilton directed his gaze at Hannibal, smile growing more and more “But it still feels like just yesterday when my darling little  **_slut_ ** \--my darling little lady here brought this precious little--....this precious...uh….miracle into the world” Chilton smiled uncomfortably at Mr. Jones as he affectionately patted Barney’s forearm. Mr. Jones’ mouth hung open in shock before, in attempt to remedy the situation. Hannibal sneakily dug the heel of his stiletto into Chilton’s foot as far as it would go. Chilton bit back a scream as a single tear slid down his cheek in his excruciating pain.

“Oh you!”  Hannibal laughed uncomfortably, not breaking his world shattering stare at the puny doctor.

“Well...that was a very colorful story” Mr. Jones’ hands trembled “But I’m afraid we do had some business to get to so I will now just read off the changes to Barney’s financial aid.” Barney groaned, this was quickly going from bad to apocalyptic.

Hannibal couldn’t help but space out as Mr. Jones prattled on, Hannibal didn’t particularly care for how much Barney’s education was, as he was sure he could easily pay the price tag for his favorite nurse. As his mind began to wander, plenty of brilliant ideas as to how to use this opportunity to fuck with Chilton danced through his mind, earning a smile from the cannibal.

Chilton himself was quite bored, nearly dozing off, but was quickly woken up by Hannibal grabbing his wrist. Chilton spun around and was met by Hannibal’s dirty smirk as he brought Chilton’s hand down to his upper thigh and ran it up and down. Hannibal winked devilishly

“What? Thought you said you missed my touch darling” Chilton’s face was pure crimson and he did best to look away. Suddenly his thumb felt something firm and stiff. He screamed. Mr. ones stopped immediately, dropping his files. All eyes were on Chilton, who remained silent while Hannibal snickered.

“...Well I suppose now would be as good as a time as any to move on to the subject of grades…..”

“Phah! Grades! Who needs them!” Chilton hammered “My Barney’s too good for this crap joint anyhow!”

“Crapjoint!?” Hannibal cried in shock “You were the one who  **made** him go here! I wanted our little Barney Warney to go to  _ Juilliard _ , where  _ talented geniuses  _ like him belong!”

“Juilliard! Phah! Barney doesn’t need that fag shit!”

“MISTER MATTHEWS!”

“Yes sir?” Barney piped up

“No! Not you Barney--”

“--Barney needs a MAN’S education! He should be in a place like Harvard not this dump!”

“I must admit the bathrooms were in rather poor shape,” Hannibal said, nodding his head in agreement, jewlry rattling

“Oh I know and the secretary?--”

“--she was just so rude!”

“And the jobs the kids coming out of this hole end up with! Did you hear about that kid they got wiping the asses of loons over at the asylum!?”

“That’s me  _ dad” _ Barney grunted, on the verge of tears with how this whole meeting was going.

“Well I hate to break it to you two but Barney is lucky as he is to be stuck at this  _ crapjoint _ , his GPA last semester was 1.5!” Mr Jones said as he slammed his hands down on the desk.

“I KNEW IT!” Chilton yelled “This is all because yooooooooou!”

“ME!?” Hannibal demanded

“I knew it! I knew I never should have taken you in and dressed you up! You like your pearls? HA! Ain’t she pretty  in her pearls Mr. Jones!? Barney!? Doesn’t your mother look pretty in her pearls!? Well she wouldn’t be wearing JACK SHIT if it wasn’t for the back breaking labor I do day in and day out! And what thanks do I get!? She feminizes our son, completely smothers him, and yet here he is failing college! No maternal instincts can you believe this Mr. Jones?! I dress this fine trash up and make her something worth something for somebody and she has the GULL to have another man’s son and can’t even raise him properly!”

“Oh please-” Hannibal was cut off by a sudden SMACK as Chilton reached out and slapped him across the phase. Barney and Mr. Jones gasped in a mix of shock and disgust. Hannibal brought his manicured finger tips up to the pink spot where he had been slapped, before swinging around and punching Chilton straight in the face. Mr. Jones felt as though he was going to faint

“Happy loving marriage” Hannibal repeated sternly, before pulling Chilton against him by the collar and planting a wet kiss on his lips. Smearing red lipstick all over Chilton’s face as he thrashed and tried to push off against and free himself. Instead Hannibal forced his tongue in and deepened the kiss, before finally letting go for air and allowing Chilton to scramble back into his seat.

.Out of breath, Mr. Jones dismissed the Matthews family before breaking down behind his office door. 

“I….have never been so….humiliated!” Barney choked out, breathing heavily before storming off back to his dorm, wondering why he ever thought this as a good idea in the first place, leaving Hannibal and Chilton by themselves in the lobby.

“Well….” Chilton started, looking distantly at the floor “...you certainly have some mouth on you Hannibal,’

“And you’ve got quite a way with your hands….” Hannibal stepped forwards and ran his fingers down Chilton’s shirt collar, before Chilton grabbed Hannibal by the waist and mashed their mouths together in an explosion of fetish fueled passion and fury, giving Hannibal’s ass a firm squeeze, earning a gasp from Hannibal.

“Hows about you take me back to your  _ office  _ instead?” Hannibal whispered against Chilton’s ear, drawing his leg up around him.

Days later, Barney found that his financial aid had been increased, but that his student family status had changed, under which he read

“CHILD OF DIVORCE”


End file.
